The Counting Game

I am sure that many of you dear readers have experienced the body count talk. Whether it was on a date, hanging with the gals, or even just overhearing the local jocks at the bar. We have heard everything (unfortunately) that men like Andrew Tate and Ben Shapiro have to say about women who do not keep themselves completely pure for their partner. Even the church has done hard work to make sure women understand their value goes down the more you sleep around (the Bubble Gum Talk once again). Sometimes, you're on a first date and not even 10 minuets in, Chad is asking you "So how many dates have you been on?" and "how many of them did you sleep with?". Excuse me Chad, but I'd like to know how many times it took you to disappoint your dad before he finally stopped telling you he loved you. Sometimes we all want to know things that we just do not get an answer to. But really. Why is this a top question for people? Why is it a question that complete strangers are so comfortable with asking other complete strangers? We ask the question only to gasp and cover our mouths in disbelief at the number that was given. I have been on plenty dates with different kinds of men from all walks of life. Without fail, their all-time favorite question was to ask me what my body count was. To which I responded, "Are we talking about consensual or non-consensual body counts?". There is nothing sweeter than making eye contact with the man who had such audacity, over my dirty martini glass. Waiting. Watching. The discomfort that immediately arises from their end of the table is so damn satisfying.

We as humans continuously find ways to measure things to make up for the uncertainty in our lives. The unknown freaks us out. We have this fancy thing called uncertainty avoidance. The American psychological Association defines Uncertainty Avoidance as "an intolerance of ambiguity or uncertainty and a psychological need for formal rules." Fair enough. I can understand wanting to know body count for your own protection (Put that on the list of things I never thought I would want to know about an ex). We have this personal made-up number that we find acceptable or unacceptable. However, to ask that question on a first date leads one to conclude that you thought that they were going to allow you to sleep with them. What does their body count have to do with you? The appetizer has not even come out yet. The obsession with someone's body and what they do with it has always been odd to me. You are never entitled to that information. You are entitled to making sure that they are a healthy person to get into bed with, but not how many people they have been with. Sometimes some of us did not have the option to say no to adding to our "body count". See, something that I find interesting is that people do not ask this question to make sure the person is healthy to have relations with. If that was the concern, people would be asking when the last time we got tested was, or for proof that you have kept up with making sure your body is healthy (and vice versa) with test results etc. No, the questioning of someone's body count is purely for judgmental purposes, and a quick calculation of what their "value" is to you.

How does this manifest itself in the Christian community? Some of those who waited until their wedding night, tend to look down their noses at people who did not wait as if it was the worst possible thing that they could imagine. We all know that you did everything as close to sex as you could get without it being "sex" before you got married. We also know that this encourages a felt need to rush into a marriage to avoid the sin of premarital sex, or to have "more accountability" for what other interesting "sinful" desires the other may have (more on that later). Chill. You are not better than thou for waiting. On top of that, there is no offered education on what happens when the wedding night is awful...And continues to be for the rest of the marriage. You just deal with it because at least you are not having unmarried sex? Happy for you, that you got to wait. Would you like a cookie for following what God commanded of us or? One sure way to push non-Christians away is to point out things like body count, not waiting until marriage, or one's value based on either of those things. Or to act as if the way that Christians have navigated sex doesn't leave the flock in the dark on what the repercussions on the lack of sexual education can be. I have yet to read a bible verse in which Jesus asked someone what their body count was.

All in all, the body count question is not a necessary one. It does more harm than good. There are ways for you to protect yourself sexually without asking that very intrusive question. You are not alone in feeling as if you are being judged for what you may or may not have had control over in regard to your sexual life. Readers of other religious beliefs, know that waiting until marriage is difficult and sometimes ends in disaster for us Christians. Maybe we need to rethink the purity culture to be real about what it can lead into, because it is not always happy marriages. The next time someone thinks it is appropriate to ask you that question, just go ahead and get out while you can. Chug your drink, laugh in their face, and give us your best "Waiter? Check please!"

- The Traumatized Bachelorette