Or whatever it was that Taylor said. As I have woven my way into an atmosphere that has 0 people that know or care for me, I am starting to see that my biggest fear is, in fact, true. The same world that swallowed up 9- and 15-year-old me, was not a phase. It exists. It is still standing. The same type of men that were gross to me then, are still being gross to me now. And honestly, I really should not be surprised. Are any of us women surprised? Something that I have had a very hard time coming to terms with is just how rare it is to have multiple people that you see every day (or most days) that genuinely love and care for you. You may be thinking "Well duh Meg, that's how the world works". I will take the time to say that this blog post is not for the people that experienced the world at the normal times. It is for those of us who were in a space in which we were introduced to things that our young brain did not understand, but reacted to in ways that make adult us feel a bit insane.
We can speak for days on end about the physical trauma that childhood sexual abuse can cause to your body. What I want to focus on, is how it effects your mind. As I have started to navigate said world, I feel like I am 9 all over again. Only this time I know what I wish I knew then. My interactions with men are always calculated on my end because God forbid, I give off any kinds of anything; vibes that would make them say things like I am "Pretty in pink" when they are old enough to be my grandfather. We know in the pit of our stomach as soon as the guy looks at us, that we would not be caught dead in the same room. The types of guys that go out of their way to test boundaries and see if we are into it or not.
I had someone tell me the other day that I was pessimistic, to which I proudly responded "...Yes, obviously". But as the conversation went on, it was mentioned by the man speaking to me that I am not a realistic person. Rather than asking him what could be more realistic than surviving rape, I simply replied "How so"? I am not going to lie, the explanation could have possibly made sense to someone who actually cared to listen to what his response was, but I zoned out. ME? Not realistic?? I guess it depends on who you ask what the definition of realistic is, but I am almost positive I keep a steady grip on the world around me, thus resulting in my pessimism. I could not wrap my brain around what was said or how I acted, that would lead one to believe that I am not someone who comprehends realism. However, the answer came slowly but surely.
In some men's minds (this one in particular) being realistic is getting a degree that will launch you into the business realm where you willingly work your 9-5 and then go home to your spouse (who secretly hates you). And you do that day in and day out until you die. You spend your life trying to prove to others that you are smarter than them to gain higher status. Ya know, "bro-ing" it out. If this is what being realistic is, then call me ignorant. See, for me, my reality (and many others) is that I am a survivor of all kinds of abuse. It does not get any more real than that. It does not get any more real than falling in love with someone who turned out to be a person who thought so little of me, that it was worth choosing strangers over reciprocating the love. It does not get more real than grown men using my vulnerability as a child, to groom me. It does not get more real than deciding if I want to pay my car bill or go grocery shopping because I cannot pick up more jobs and stay in school at the same time. There are no silver spoons being used to feed us here, ladies and gentlemen.
The bubble in which untouched (figuratively and literally) people live in is one that we as survivors will never know. Our reality is that we will never seem "realistic" to people who do not understand (or care to understand) trauma. Our reality stands in a square, where we must stay to feel safe. Not in corporate America. Now, I do think that it made him feel like a big boy telling me this, and he 100% deserves a cookie for his effort. But I really do want to thank him for pointing out the difference between those who experience reality, and those who get to watch others experience reality. Readers, do not allow someone who is unrealistic themselves, tell you that you are not realistic. Do not let someone belittle your outlook on life simply because they get the privilege of standing all the way up in the nosebleed seats to watch you cope. If anyone tries you, just give them the reality check that they so desperately need.
-The Traumatized Bachelorette
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