Honeydooms

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I am interested in how things worked out for them. I am actually more interested in how things are not working out for them. Call me evil and bitter because I 100% am and so are some of you readers. Anyways. I came across a rather juicy article in which anonymous (my ex) was being brave and telling their truth about who they are, and how difficult it was to get to the point of loving themselves unashamedly. Because it is too riveting to keep to myself, I am going to share a few words. Also, I am going to keep the site, the author, and other info out of this one because when you take away the deceit that she knows 0 things about, it really is quite a moving piece. Also, original author, if you are reading this…I love you and your work is beautiful. Many kisses, I support your work. It starts

 

“The first time I went to Puerto Rico, I had to be the newly wedded husband fawning over his wife and giving her whatever she wanted.”

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Honestly, I laughed out loud the first time I read that sentence. Because unless I grossly miscalculated what honeymoons are for, this description sounds like a typical honeymoon to me. Also, I did not get whatever I wanted. We were on a budget. Their budget, I might add. It goes on to say they were offered the opportunity to go back to Puerto Rico, but they were nervous because

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 “The last time I was there was my honeymoon with my now ex-wife. I had planned on going again for our one-year anniversary, but the relationship did not last that long.”

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First, ouch. Did I really ruin Puerto Rico for them in the 5 nights and 6 days we were there? I watched them take pictures on our hike and send them to their butt buddies as sentiment, WITHOUT taking their phone down the natural water slide with me. I want a cookie. Second, this is true. The relationship did not last long enough for us to go back to PR for a good old anniversary trip. But I made it back. I left them home, so they did not have to suffer through fawning over me again. The finishing paragraph talks about how people have always told them who they are, who they are supposed to be attracted to, and how they are supposed to live. They come out as non-binary (which congrats, by the way). They talk about how they get to finally fawn over themselves and get themselves whatever they want. I am assuming without the budget this time around. Maybe? They end their story with

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“It might’ve taken me 24 years to figure it out, but I finally love myself. Truly, deeply, completely love myself. And that is the best birthday gift I could ever ask for.”

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Someone please get me a tissue; my eyes are sweating.

I have an issue with this. Not because they came out. Not because they went to PR without me (It is only fair I guess). I have an issue with this because their wording throws me off a bit. It makes it sound like I held a gun to their head and forced them to make our honeymoon magical. Either you can enjoy this hotel bed covered in rose petals, or you can catch these hands. They make it sound like the end of the marriage was such a freeing moment because I was what was holding them back, by forcing them to be in a relationship with me. The only thing that was forced in this situation was fidelity. Mostly because I did not feel like contracting what ever it is they picked up on their…adulterous adventures.

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I cannot lie to you guys. I read it again a few times and I ended up crying. Which boooooooo. But also, perfectly normal. I realized that what they saw as a forced time together, I had seen as magical. I GOT to go to an amazing place and experience adventures with my person. My person who I knew was not being faithful. My person who I knew was looking in my eye vowing before God, family, and friends that they would not do all of the things they had done and will continue to do.  My person who I knew was giving someone else the love, intimacy, and honesty that I wanted so badly. I kept a lot of things from my parents and defended them to a fault because I wanted them to be liked. I wanted to protect their reputation as well as mine. I CANNOT be known as the girl who married a gay man. But here we are.

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So, explain to me why we are obligated to keep quiet the infidelity, the mental and emotional abuse that these kinds of relationships produce? Why do they get to be celebrated and applauded for being brave and coming out, while I am grappling with the fact that none of our relationship was real. My own husband was not interested in me physically. At all. MY HUSBAND. The man that pursued me! Trauma baddies, are you hearing me?

Before I elaborate on why this is such a huge issue, let me just say that in no way does a relationship title make you entitled to the others body. Consent is always needed. The reason why this is harmful is because in the same breath as their rejection, they told me they loved me. They told me that they are not in the mood because of ADHD or their sleep apnea or whatever they could come up with. But somehow, could muster up the mojo for someone else’s husband? Is this what love is? Have you ever watched the person who you would do quite literally anything for, welcome a stranger (into your marital home) to do things that you are being deprived of?

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 I am angry. I am allowed to be angry and so are you. Using someone else until you are ready to be yourself is never okay. I want them to be who they want. I never wanted them to pretend to be anything. I just wanted my self-proclaimed Christian heterosexual significant other, to act as such. I wanted honesty. I am a safe human, and they knew that. They knew they could have left me alone. They knew they could have confided in me as a friend. They chose not to. They knew that I would never put someone in harm's way on purpose. They knew I would not say a peep about the things that happened until they came out. That, reader, is who WE are.

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So, you are not alone in your bitterness. It is normal. You are allowed to set the record straight. If you are like me, nothing in our relationship was forced. We offered countless opportunities for them to be honest and end the relationship, but they blatantly lied to us. They left the task of leaving the relationship up to us because they were not brave enough to be completely honest. If we leave then they can point the finger at us, saying we gave up on them. We could have worked it out, but we did not want to try etc. etc.  I am happy they get to be who they would like to be. I am unhappy that they had to drag me through the mud to do it. Cheers to the truly brave ones who did it without using someone else. And cheers to us, who were the annoying brides our Ex's had to fawn over.

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- The Traumatized Bachelorette