Laundry Day

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To wash and air it out or to not wash and air it out. That is the question. Where is the line between gossip and simply sharing your experiences? This is a battle that I have fought for a few years. The number of times I thought about calling my ex’s parents and letting them know that the divorce was not unwarranted, and they should maybe put their son in time out for a bit. I wanted to write a scathing letter explaining every single detail that I had to keep to myself so as to not out my closeted ex-husband. Really the only person that knew the truth was my lawyer (who was unsurprised and had many cases like this). If you are reading this, and you are in the same boat, ask yourself this. Why are you defending someone that had no issue throwing you under the bus the second they had the chance? Why are you taking the blame for someone who could not even give you the decency of being honest? Would you expect physical abuse to be omitted from your story so as to not offend your perpetrator? Why would it be any different for your emotional and psychological abuse? So, considering this, let’s hang some laundry out to dry, shall we? After all, the weather has been so nice lately, hasn’t it? Now, I do not know about you, but my curiosity always ends up getting the cat killed. Naturally, when I continuously caught my ex-cheating, I tended to ask questions. I really enjoy being hurt, I guess. Piece by piece little puzzles were finished and I am the only one that got to frame and hang it on my walls of delusion. For example, my ex insisted that they had training for their job in a town two hours away from where they would be performing the actual job. And there was a time that my ex insisted that they got an opportunity to dance with a company in a lovely city many states away. One night, their family was trying to reach them, but could not. Their location (thanks Life 360) was marked at a hotel. It is not sleeping time…what’s with the lack of phone answers? My all-time favorite was when my ex informed me of the time that a piece of mail from a certain facility arrived at their parents’ house containing rather…damning information. Rather than being asked any questions by their parents, the mail was simply handed to them. Even though the facility is a place that religiously, their parents did not support. Now at face value, none of these seem too suspicious right? Well, come on this journey with me. A journey where I got confessions about these situations and had to keep them to myself. There was no job training. They drove two hours to get railed for the day by some guy, and then drove two hrs. back. Which, Pop off queen. Get your needs met, but I was under the impression our relationship was celibate and monogamous. I am assuming that was a tender drive home. I am unsure at this point if they told the truth about the dance company gig, but they were not in their hotel room when no one could reach them. They were hanging out with someone who…was legally married to someone who I am positive had no idea she too, was in an open relationship. I would rather not speak about the letter. My only question in response to these rather disturbing confessions was - What the fuck? Now, imagine knowing all this information and you have planned a wedding, sent out invites…posted your relationship status on Facebook (and there is no coming back from that). I had to sit with this information that was being told to me by my boyfriend, and then my fiancé, and then my husband. But these confessions never (unless there’s been a few heart to hearts with his parents/family) made their way anywhere else. Honestly, would anyone believe that they did those things? One of the most devastating things for me was the amount of time that I spent crying over these things. The number of times I lay next to my snoring husband who had no concern over how his actions affected me. The number of times that I cried in my own marital bed after being sexually rejected by my husband (who again was blissfully sleeping) wondering why I was not a good enough wife. Wondering why someone who he had to slink off with in private for so long was important enough to him, that he would dismantle his own wife’s mental well-being. He told me that he loved me. He told me he was never going to cheat again. He told me he was going to stop talking to these random men…he promised me. I believed him. He could have just left you alone. They could have just left you alone. Stating the things that someone did to hurt you is not gossip. It is not something you should allow others to shame you for. You deciding to confide in your friends or family about your significant others wrong doings is not creating resentment or animosity, and it is not a situation in which praying for your spouse would be helpful to you. Me deciding to share my story and experiences does not make me evil or malicious. It is a burden off my shoulders. When you are actively and continuously being hurt, God (or who/whatever you may believe in) does not want you sit and suffer for the sake of the persons reputation. If you are in my situation, your significant other had no problem telling people all the ways you reacted to their behavior (that no one knows about). They are sharing all the things you said and did that made them feel small and hurt. Why would it be an issue for you to do the same? You are allowed to speak about your hurt. When we speak in truth, there should be no shame brought on us for doing so. I am the first to admit that I am not perfect, and I am positive I am in the “Worst Wife Hall of Fame”. The way I responded to their behavior may be the exact opposite of what you should do. At risk of sounding selfish, you do not have to suppress your abuse because your perpetrator is not out of the closet. Obviously, there’s no need for a Facebook post about it, but there is a need for you to let the “accountability holders” in their life know about how you are being treated. It is also important to let them know the after affects of the abuse as well. I will elaborate on this in a later post, but for right now all you need to do is remember this: Using others to cover who you are until you are ready to come out publicly, is abuse. Sleeping with others of the same sex after rejecting your partner (the one that you chose and pursued for yourself) is abuse. Reader, if you have experienced this kind of relationship, let my words be your beacon of confirmation. It is time to do your laundry. And maybe we can redeem ourselves for being bad wives/girlfriends/boyfriends/husbands…and do our Ex’s laundry too. Happy wash day survivors!
 

- The Traumatized Bachelorette