Some of you who grew up in a toxic religious atmosphere may already know what this is (or have heard different versions of it). If you don't...well buckle up. The bubble gum talk goes as follows:
You take a piece of gum and chew it up. When you've chewed for some time, it no longer has flavor, the consistency is nasty, etc. You do not stick it behind your ear or in the fridge to save for later, you immediately throw it away (at least I hope you do). Why? because it no longer has a use. And if you were to offer someone a chewed piece of gum, or if someone was to offer you a piece of chewed gum, I am sure either party would be a little perturbed. It has no flavor, it's nasty, and it's all chewed up. Why would you give me that? Now, apply that to your future spouse (specifically your wife who is obviously the gum in this scenario) would you rather have a new piece of gum that has value, hasn't been chewed, and has all its flavor, or would you rather have the gum that someone else has already chewed on? Would you want a wife that has been chewed on by other men, or would you rather have a wife that has never been...chewed on? Can I be one of probably many to say that this is the most pathetic, narcissistic, patriarchal bullshit analogy that I have ever heard of? Telling teen boys that girls are firstly comparable to gum (or any item for that matter) is strike one, but telling them that girls essentially lose their value and are useless, undesirable, and nasty after they have had any sexual interactions with anyone other than their husband is atrocious.
Now we know the obvious flaws with this type of teaching and thinking, but let's talk about the underlying ones. I'll use myself as an example. If I was in youth group and heard this analogy, I would probably have been dead way sooner. I was a victim of non-consensual sexual interactions at 9 and multiple times between the ages of 16-18 (By way older men). According to this analogy, I am now worthless. I am a chewed piece of gum and do not deserve to experience love in the way our "Creator intended". One of the most popular responses to something like this is "Well we did not mean it that way" or "It was not our intention to support that kind of mindset". However, it does not matter what your intent is when speaking these kinds of twisted analogies to our youth. What you possibly mean and what you are saying are two different things. You (the "Christians" that are telling such lies in such an obnoxious way") are not the decider of how to interpret God's words, nor are you the decider of who is and is not still valuable. You are not the mouthpiece for what you think God's thoughts on sexual abuse are. I would like to point out that Jesus wasn't hanging out with only the women/men that haven't been chewed up. He was with the sinners. His posse was a bunch of chewed-up men! The lack of sexual education in general is terrifying. But the lack of sexual education within the church is devastating. Christ, I am positive of this, would be ashamed.
It never ceases to amaze me how people preach purity and modesty, and forget to mention all the things that can happen without one's consent. You give speeches such as the Bubblegum Talk and then expect women to want to respect their bodies after abuse. There is a gap in conversation when it comes to talking about how sometimes God's creations (humans) rape you, coerce, groom, and even watch you be abused. Some, having complete knowledge of you being sexually abused/or them being the abuser themselves, use spiritual manipulation to convince you that not only are you doing what God wants you to do, but will turn around and shame you in the same sentence for sexual sin. Where are the conversations about how difficult it is to develop a healthy relationship with someone, let alone a sexual one after abuse? Where is the acknowledgment of there still being extensive grief, hurt, and devastation even after pleading with God to make it better? There needs to be an admittance from us Christians that we can be comforted spiritually, but physically, the body never forgets. There is no discussion of how much you mentally devalue sex and God's intentions for it when it has been forced on you in such a vulgar way...I could go on and on.
Readers, do not allow anyone (especially Christians) to measure your value. If you are seeking out what Christ really hopes and feels for you, I advise you to go straight to the source (the Bible or a good old prayer will do). If you are not seeking out what your value is to a certain religion, know this. Your abuse does not make you any less. It does not define you. You still deserve love. You still deserve respect. You still belong. It wasn't your fault. You deserve a relationship with someone that is gentle, patient, slow to assume, and quick to comfort even when your actions/thoughts/words may not make sense. You are forever healing, and I am so so so proud of you for fighting every day despite what others are trying to shape you into. Next time someone tries to give you the Bubblegum Talk, stick their words in a wrapper and throw it in the trash where it belongs.
Sending virtual hugs,
- The Traumatized Bachelorette
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