Trigger Warning: Sexual Abuse (Don't forget to share your thoughts/experiences in the forum! Hit the "Let's Chat About This" Button.)
So, you are on this date with a super cute tinder guy. You are unsure if you are really looking for anything lasting, but you are also not mentally stable enough for a one night stand. He's dreamy, he's tall he's got whatever eyes are your favorite color. He's funny, and he thinks you are funny. This man may be your future husband. Then the dreaded request comes. "So, tell me about your childhood." Fuck. You are fucked. You feel the need to get up and walk into traffic because no way in hell are you actually going to tell this man about your childhood. The worst possible hood. His was perfect! He played sports, but you could not because you were a troubled child that could not be trusted with even an inkling of freedom. His family took vacations twice a year, and you got lucky if you visited friends in the neighboring town. Matter of fact, all the vacations you had just happened to be to the nearest mental hospital. How to explain to someone that your best story is "I was touched at 9 by a teen girl" was not something that Seventeen Magazine covered. All of these panicked thoughts beg this one question. How on earth are you supposed to navigate around all of the seemingly normal questions with so much damn baggage? I wish I had the answer, my fellow trauma survivors. I do not, however, I will share my experiences in order to ensure that you are not alone in the way you are feeling.
I recently re-downloaded Tinder after my separation in August (more on that in a different blog post). I was back out in this godforsaken wasteland of a dating. I am a RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) kid. The symptoms and the struggles can come in diverse ways. I have left a link for your own viewing pleasures if your looking for some more in depth study on it. RAD makes things a bit more complicated when it comes to any kind of relationship bonding. I was a bad case of self soothing baby, minus the soothing part. I had the stable home, and the healthy environment, so why did I still have the attachment issues? It was perceived neglect. Being adopted into a white family is a beautiful thing. Adoption in itself is a beautiful thing, but it comes with tons of not so beautiful things. Shitty things. Things like not being able to have a normal relationship with anyone in my family and not being able to explain why I was the difficult child I was. I went through so many tests and so much therapy that I lost track of the things we tried. Finally, at the ripe age of 18ish..It clicked. Or so I thought. Rather than it actually clicking, I just became an adult that had to function with whatever suppressed issues that I had. By 18, I had so much sexual trauma that I could not even keep track of when it had gotten worse for me, but It started having more of an impact the older I got. The more relationships I tried to have, the more that I tried to push forward, the less able and healthily functional I got. "Dates became almost a chore. Life became a chore...So anyways where was your favorite place to vacation?" And your date realizes that maybe you’re not actually mature for your age, you're just a big ol' piece of damaged.
I remember a date that I went on that portrays the perfect example of things that are..less than nice.. He was similar to the man described in the beginning. Tall, dreamy, pretty eyes. An attorney from Chicago. Or that's what he told me anyways. Looking back on it now, the things the man told me did not add up. That's neither here nor there. First date was great, and he wanted a second. Cool. Movie night was the activity that was a greed upon. I am at the point in my life where I am still getting used to sleeping alone. It is okay to not want to have a sexual interaction with someone, especially someone that you just met. These things were vocalized and the boundaries were set. He vocalized he understood and respected the expectations. He came over, I pulled out the fancy popcorn (thanks to whoever gave that as a wedding gift), popped a bottle of wine and settled in for a trip down nostalgia lane. The Princess Diaries. I hate love, but I love romcoms. I cried at the end of the first one, as I always do. Princess Mia found her purpose and her man and Meg is sitting on the couch with a man who lied about being okay with the boundaries she had set. Charming. I had passed out halfway through the second movie, but I remember halfway waking up to see him sneaking out of the house. I did not think anything of it until I woke up awhile later. Text one: "did you just ditch me?" No response. The panic sets in because what if he died on his way home? Called to get the quick "I'm okay" vocalized so I could go back to sleep. Straight to voicemail. Then the realization sets in. I was blocked. Checked Tinder. Unmatched. The man thought Meg was going to change her mind and when she did not, she was not worth spending anymore time with.
This. Although I barely knew him, it was more than devastating to know that my value was completely in me getting naked. There was no value in the conversational skills, or the ability to be upfront and honest about my boundaries. Heck, I had even saved the man a trauma dump! View it how you would like. Playing mind games, being a prude, being manipulative. The simple answer is that when someone with sexual trauma needs a moment to collect themselves before getting in bed with you, you should be okay with that. You should be okay with that boundary even if they do not have trauma. If you are not looking to be patient with anyone, then you need to find someone that you do not need to be patient with. I wish I was able to just make decisions without having to overthink it, but that's not the way the brain chemicals fell.
Finding the balance between what to share and what not to share is one of the most complicated tasks in my life. Which, odd yes. But it is normal for those of us who have had the sexual trauma we have had, at such a young age. Normal people can pick a person to hop in bed with and not have to think twice about it. Trauma victims have to think about whether they're doing it as a form of self harm or if they're doing it because they want to try to live the normal people life. The skepticism, the anxiety, the "are you mad at me?" texts. They all stick around. I want to remind you, beautiful trauma survivors that first dates are tough for anyone. They are even tougher for you, and I see you. You are heard and you are understood. While others may not be ready to hear about what you have been through, you are allowed to ask them to respect boundaries. You are allowed to explain yourself, and those who want to climb in bed with you but refuse to hear what makes you..you, can suck both of your big toes.
Have you ever had an incidence where someone made you believe your only value was when you were sexual?
Yes, I have experienced this.
Nope, never happened!
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