Revenge. Is it not the sweetest? Is it not the next step in healing? Sucker punching your ex, burning their clothes, keying their car, and making sure every ounce of their existence is shitty. If you’re not happy, they can’t be happy. That’s the rule…Right? I've been a very angry person (and I'm sure some of you are thinking “well that's nothing new Megan”) this past year I have spent almost every day wondering if I was even going to be here right now. I questioned my Creator, and I questioned my own sanity. I even questioned whether or not I should have stuck it out in my marriage because at least I would not have been alone. I've spent this past year blaming myself for the things that went wrong, and I've teetered between disgust and love for the person who is no longer my person. I could not wait to get online and let everyone know exactly why it was that my marriage did not work out. I couldn't wait to expose all the countless reasons and the tiny details leading up to me finally asking for things to be ended. I couldn't wait for a chance to defend myself, because for the last year I've been blamed. I’m the bitch. I've been the bad guy; I've been the spiteful wife that was for some odd reason, unhappy with her marriage and forever ungrateful. I was the one that wanted to end things, he had no idea why this was all happening. He has no idea what caused me to have my mental break or why I started distancing myself from the family. All he knows is that “he never meant for it to be this way”. All this builds up and here I am ready to write the juiciest blog of my entire blogging career, and I have had writer’s block for the last three weeks. Every time I tried to write something that was truthful but hurtful, I could not complete it. I have typed and deleted, cried, and typed and deleted. Over and over and over again. WHY? Why be nice? Why not talk about the things that were done and the way it was handled? Because, dear reader, if people wanted to know, they would have asked. I understand all too well, the desire to hurt the person who hurt you in the same way, if not, more. What is done in the dark, will come to light. Maybe not in the timeframe that you’re thinking, but it will.
If there is one thing about an abusive situation (whether it’s physical, emotional, or psychological) people who enable these types of behaviors will not reach out to see how they have affected the victim. If they reach out for anything, it is to offer reasons as to why the victim deserved what happened to them. Many people will say that the ultimate betrayal of cheating is the peak of why they are so hurt and perturbed about their relationship ending. I would like to point in a different direction. The peak (for me personally) that perturbed and hurt me the most, was the silence. No questions for me, no efforts at trying to understand my side of things…nothing. To build my foundation, I’d like to toss a few definitions at you (yes, this is from my Communication Studies lectures). An echo chamber is defined as an environment where a person only encounters information or opinions that reflect and reinforce their own” *. This goes hand in hand with confirmation bias which, in a nutshell, is only liking/seeking answers that confirm your already formed views. See where I am going with this? I have a tub load of information that would make a lot of you uncomfortable, to say the least. However, saying that information is not going to make people (who do not want the truth) view me in a different light. I am sure it will do the exact opposite. I would be viewed as vindictive, a liar (because there’s always a person that really believes their son/ daughter/friend/spouse “would never”) an attention seeker, etc.
Some of you readers may be abusers/ abuse enablers, and some of you may be victims. I would like to clarify some things for both parties. When you seek out someone just to cover up your own lifestyle preferences (but continue living them), it is abuse. When you are caught in your lifestyle choices and constantly try to reassure your significant other that it will “never happen again” (with no intention of changing your behaviors), it is abuse. When you know your actions are leading your spouse/significant other into a spiral, but act like you have no idea what is happening when asked about it, it is abuse. When you watch an entire relationship spiral and refuse to seek out information that may make you uncomfortable, when you cling to the person that you know deep down in your heart wronged someone but do not dare question them on it for fear that it may ruin the relationship…when you are silent, it is abuse. It is a clear message and a spat to the face. “Well, why did you not try to reach out?”. As I stated previously: If people wanted the truth (Some have sought it out and I am so grateful to them) they would ask.
“Why divorce?”, “Why not counseling?”, “If you really loved him, you would have tried harder to make it work.” When leaving, I can almost guarantee that you will hear variations of these questions/accusations. The simple answer is this: (Incase a confession of "pulling a sneaky with getting married is not enough) Divorce, because biblically (for you scripture pickers) I had grounds to do so. If you keep up with your bible reading, you will know that this is valid. Divorce, because that was my way to advocate for myself. No counseling because I spent 2019-2021 trying to be patient with a person that repeatedly disrespected our relationship. You cannot counsel faithfulness and honesty into one who does not want that for themselves. I do love him. That will never change. Loving someone does not mean you have to tolerate them hurting you. Loving someone can look like refusing to continue to be their safe space from confrontation. You can love someone and deny them access to you. You can mourn your person (or the person you thought they were) and you can celebrate the start of your healing.
This is not a plea to not speak up for yourself about your trauma. By all means, write about it, do a podcast about it, and cry about it. The Lord knows in due time, I will be doing so. This is a plea to save your breath in trying to loudly defend yourself against people who have only offered you silence. Let your ex be. Let their supporters be. They will out themselves, they cannot help it. People know. You will run into someone that knows your ex (God-Bless a small town) in the store and they’ll ask, “how are you holding up?” rather than giving tight-lipped smiles because they know. Do not ever let someone, who is so damn loud when it comes to confronting your reactions but so quiet when you finally refuse them the cover-up of their disrespectful actions, convince you to stay.
Comments